We are now in the thick of winter.  For those of us in the Midwest, that means frozen pipes, frostbit fingertips and lots of hot beverages.  The sun rises early and sets earlier. Life during these five frigid months equates to a waiting game. Waiting for the sun. 

But even as I freeze my buns off in Chicago, I still prefer it to the other end of the spectrum. Let’s take a look at Dubai, the Las Vegas of the Middle East minus booze, premarital sex and drugs (all of these are outlawed because the United Arab Emirates (UAE) is a Muslim country). The last thing anyone can call Dubai is cold.

Around this time of year the average temperature there is 80 degrees, which isn’t all that terrible. But during high season, meaning June- August, temperatures can get up to 120, 10 degrees hotter than Arizona during July.  That is fry an egg on your car’s front hood hot. 

Every January, two people who don’t get along have an obligation to get together — The Person You Actually Are and The Person You Would Like to Be.

These two versions of yourself are forced to meet for a proverbial cup of coffee to discuss your future soon after Jan. 1, while your head is still throbbing, your mouth is foaming and your New Years dress smells like a mixture of regurgitated champagne, cheap perfume and sausage, for some reason.

These two people aren’t all that different—they look the same—except one is thinner and never gets dry skin or a bad haircut. For that reason, The Person You Actually Are is envious and shoulders resentment. But these two have some business and must discuss resolutions.

My two nemeses get together for an existential meeting at a deserted diner. I was sitting cross-legged in a Badgers hoody when in waltzed The Person I Would Like to Be. She’s 4 inches taller, walks with sheer grace despite bitchin’ high heels and, most importantly, she has never dated a guy who carries a wallet made out of duct tape.

I've always been a little pessimistic about Christmas, one of the victims of the "I'm too genuinely sentimental to support this crass, consumerist holiday but more importantly I'm too broke and lazy to buy gifts" mantra. This year, I was smack-dab in the middle of my angst when I realized one very crucial upside to this occasion that I had so blindly been taking for granted: Christmas is the only day where society will unanimously excuse  almost all heinous behavior to keep everyone happy in the name of Holiday Spirit.

Don't believe me? Here are some key examples:

There's a Mistletoe

When else do we hover a cultural symbol above our heads that essentially says, "go ahead, stick your tongue down my throat and we will exchange saliva in a sloppy fashion in front of our guests"? Every Mr.  Star Wars enthusiast/ animae comic collector  guy knows what I'm talking about. That's because these mistletoe encounters will likely be the only time they will kiss a woman who is not related to them, or under the influence of alcohol. (Note: there is no mistletoe equivalent to getting Nookie, guys--we usually, you know, call that rape).

Two days until the big day, and if you are like me, you are buried in a pile of snow. While this years Christmas is guaranteed to be white, it isn’t necessarily going to be merry. Given the financial crisis in this country, you should be grateful to get coal in your stocking much less a warm dinner. But just because our families are losing all of their money to goons like Bernie Madoff doesn’t mean we can’t inject a little holiday cheer into our lives. Here are some Christmas clips that should make you smile.

The CB Walker Psychic Energy Reading Christmas Special on NYC Public access. 

I couldn't make this up even if I tried. 

Inappropriate touching.