While stinky piles of clothes, half-eaten food, and the occasional shin-deep pile of PBR cans all can greatly reduce the sensuality of your 14x11 carnal palace there are a few tips that can only be gleaned from hours upon hours of hard, sweaty, throbbing, satisfying work.  These tips are all tested and approved by Dr. Newcastle, and each one is designed to change her reaction from a forced  “Oh that’s a nice Scarface poster,” to the far more encouraging, "why are we still wearing pants?"

 
Tip #1 - The Body Pillow
I know I know, the body pillow. The very thought of going into Joanne’s Fabrics and buying one seems quite, how you say blatantly homosexual, but the greatest piece of equipment one can purchase to take your dormicile from cell-like room to Lovenasium is the body pillow.  In dorm rooms, one is at a premium for space and combining furniture is a must.  Taking advantage of this idea, a body pillow is the most essential tool for turning casual nights into casual hook-ups. To fully exploit (and I mean it in every sense of the word) ones space, I place the body pillow sideways on my bed against the wall.  While chicks already dig body pillows, this step turns your bed into a couch as well, removing the stigma of the "bed" you already had your way with her roommate on.  While casual acquaintances may be hesitant to hop in bed with you and watch a movie, if your bed is nicely made and with a body pillow on back, it’s the logical and most comfortable place to sit and watch TV, listen to music, smoke pot, or if you have to, talk.  Before you may have to awkwardly say, “come sit on the bed with me,” I assure you a properly placed body pillow means she walks in, kicks of her heels and hops right on your bed before you have time to say something stupid.

Tip #2 - Get a Rug
This one seems more like advise from your mother, but it is another trick for those in the sex trade (that sounds downright illegal).  Everyone’s dorm room, no matter how many black light posters or fake plants you buy, looks the same.  The wall and carpet color create a palette unmistakable to any resident on campus. And one that hardly screams sex.  What sets a select few apart is what they've done with the floor surface. A rug breaks the room monotony that goes beyond the simple poster or fraternity paddle (always keep paddle handy, however).  A simple area or throw rug in the middle of your room will make your place seem more homey, clean and inviting.  It says come in, take your pants off and lay down a while. It also makes things much nicer for your own feet than the standard blue/grey carpet that has all the comfort linoleum.  I don’t know about you guys, but two people don’t fit on a Twin XL bed very well and drunken make out sessions, or shameless flirting tickle fights, have a tendency to end up on the floor.  I know it doesn’t sound inviting, but if you have a nice carpet, those situations are prime for continuing the moment and rolling around legs entwined on your 4x8 purchase from Target. 

Tip #3 – The Blanket Trick
This trick is possibly the most important suggestion I can provide to make dorm room romance more comfortable.  Any player worth his spit has woken up at about 6am the next morning only to learn about the mysterious magnetic properties of women.  Girls have the innate ability to attract blankets during the evening no matter how many you have or how well they are tucked under the mattress.  Don’t believe me? Go fuck someone and have her spend the night… its okay I’ll wait… nice technique … Ooo the Alabama Crab Dangle, Level of Difficulty 9.8… Okay now go to sleep. 

Good morning! feeling sore? I bet you are, you should stretch first.  Anywho look, there it is.  The rare Blonde-Haired Blanket Burrito.  Somehow that bitch has gone from loving to spoon to laying on the other side of the bed completely wrapped in every blanket you own without an inch of sheered velvet to spare (you do have sheered velvet sheets, don’t you?).  Now do not get mad, or think ill of her, they cannot help it and from my extensive studies I have concluded it is part of their physiology they cannot control, like irrational emotions.   To remedy this problem get one nice blanket and tuck it between the side of the bed and wall.  Be sure to get something heavy that can service as the only blanket you need when you wake up the next morning naked, shivering, and slightly damp.  Now this blanket will remain hidden by the body pillow during the day even if your bed is made and when you wake up the next morning and she has wrapped herself in your comforter, you can pull out your spare blanket, already in the bed, and go right back to sleep.  No more laying in bed cold or trying to sneakily unwrap your young harlot without waking her in attempt to reclaim a single sheet.
 

We all have to do the best with what we have in dorm rooms.  Small jail like enclosures with towels under the door are not the most conducive for getting ass in the most fertile sexual grounds on earth.  But if you follow my tips I promise you will be moaning into each other’s hair comfortably for the whole year. 

MORE D-NEWCASTLE TIPS:

- CASE AGAINST BUNK BEDS