As the semester begins thousands of students arrive on campus with the hopes of higher education, all night parties and sloppy dorm room sex.  While I don’t think anyone needs any help to find education or parties at college, my experiences have taught me that most dorm rooms are less than conducive to the pansexual gymnastics we should be striving for in college. To make the most out of tight quarters, it is not unusual for roommates to raise their mattresses towards the heavens to allow more floor area. While your parents agreed with this decision, let me lay it out there plainly and directly - bunking your beds is a terrible idea.

     I repeat. DO NOT BUNK YOUR BEDS
   

     I cannot stress this enough.  Nothing is more of a hindrance to hookups than your 17 ft high bed that shakes like Nick Jonas' diabetic seizure.  Your roommate will want to bunk the beds because he’s in the campus church club and sex is not an option till he’s met an equally unattractive girl.  If he simply will not relent make sure you take the bottom bunk. It's not like he will need it anyways. But push for non-vertical sleeping arrangements. Your dorm room already feels like a prison cell, no need to adopt similar sleeping arrangements to convicts doing 20 to life. The reasons for anti-bunkage are numerous, but I will try and hit the most important ones.

REASON #1

Have you ever tried to climb up or down a poorly constructed ladder naked?  Think about it. At what angle does a naked man look good going up or a down a ladder? Vomited yet, I thought so. No good comes from a being naked on a ladder, its not flattering for your pale ass and it's extremely dangerous for any organs that maybe dangling or sticking out as you try to scale your tower.   
  

REASON #2

How are you going to get her up there.  With my properly placed body pillow a simple lean can turn into making out which can turn into “I don’t normally do this”. But with a bunked mattress, you're not going to be on the bed to start so that quick kiss you snuck during the most romantic scene in Super Troopers will end at just that, a quick kiss.  Girls make decisions based solely on emotion and by the time you got to stop and say “Why don’t we take this 8 ft higher”, she has time to reason, assess the situation and decide maybe this is not the best idea.  There is no getting caught in the heat of the moment when you have to stop and awkwardly ask her to ascend your shaky posts. Pun intended.

REASON #3

Possibly the most important reason on here. Top bunk sex sucks.  Now I know sex is like pizza, “Great sex is great, but bad sex is still sex” but on the top bunk there is no way to properly get ones swerve on or off.  Three feet of headroom at most ixnays anything fun with her on top or you getting behind and you will inevitably end up knocking down all pillows and blankets leading you to have to scale the ladder naked again, twice, if you plan on going to sleep afterwards.  What happens if you don’t have a condom once you get up there?  Another wasted ten minutes as you get down, search and climb up, as well as more time for her to come to her senses. That sounds wrong, but it should be noted.

REASON #4

My least favorite part of top bunk sex is the aftermath.  So you found a way to contort like a pretzels and make bad decisions, but what now?  You are stuck with a sad, droopy used condom that needs to be disposed of and here you lay miles above the ground, naked and slimy, with the garbage can nowhere in site.  Do you just sit there until it’s not awkward to get down, you maestro stewing like a pickle in a jar?  Do you chuck and pray, hoping your roommate won’t notice when your DNA water balloon inevitably misses and hits a wall, textbook, picture of his family/girlfriend from home? 

Kids, don’t bunk your beds. I can think of one instance of top bunk sex that actually was worth the trouble, but it was in her room and when I attempted to pin her legs behind her head, a stray foot knocked down her shelf and broke pictures as well as showering us in text books mid shag.  While I like to the think I am in the zone while taking the plunge, I found there is nothing like a text book spine down on the back of the knee to break ones coital concentration.

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