We live in a frightening world right now: the ever-growing, ever-developing world of Facebook. No matter where you go, the website is a major topic of discussion. In class you might hear about your neighbor’s recent poke-war. In a coffee shop you’ll eavesdrop on a couple going back and forth about whether to publicize their relationship or just leave their label on “complicated.”
With the impending college calendar only weeks away, there is a whole fresh crop of first year's who will be trying to make some first impressions both face to face and online. Today, I’m here to analyze something else, maybe the most important facet of the supposedly college-based network. And that, my friends, is the Facebook profile picture. This picture is your primary means of showing yourself to the world. It’s not just a picture of you or whatever you choose to up. It’s truly a window into your soul. So let the analysis begin:
The Self Portrait
The extended arm shot with friends is a popular choice. However, we enter an interesting category when there is no other person in the shot. That means that you took your camera, held your arm out and shot a photo of yourself. You probably looked at the camera and deleted like four or five, maybe spending hours upon hours to make your selection. I’ll be blunt… this is sad, very very sad. Even worse is the computer cam shot, because this means that you probably didn't even put pants on for the photo. Sometimes you can see the makings of a dorm room in the back (a Bob Marley poster, a tiny closet, etc.). In this case, I suggest joining a club, maybe even take a swing-dance class or something. Go out and meet people. Because you’ll probably get bored posting on your Google Blog about the last re-run of the Steve Harvey show real soon.
The Cropped Out Picture
This is in direct contrast with the solo shot. Not only do you have other people to snap photos, you are soo popular that you can't find a picture without anyone else in it. While this can be taken as a blow to your friends that you don’t want to show the world the ugly people you hang out with, it shows that you do indeed have friends… something that makes your Facebook life just secondary to your real one.
The Group Picture
This is so annoying. Everyone knows the deal: you click on someone’s Facebook profile expecting to stalk learn more about them as a person and all you see is a group shot, where you have no clue who is who. This shows either a love for friends (which is really special and cute and everything) or it shows a lack of caring about those searching for you (which is really noble. You’re really cool). You didn't want to extend things any farther from last Saturday's party with the random hook-up, so it's not all bad.
The Not You Picture
We can take this a couple of ways. So, we’re going to break this down into further categories, because it's a slow day and this is what I'm doing with my life:
The B Celebrity Photo
If you’re putting up pictures of A.C. Slater and Bob Barker, then you’re funny and you have incredible taste. If Louie Anderson is your choice, then you have problems.
The A Celebrity Photo
Get a life. Sexy pictures of Brad Pitt and Britney are already ubiquitous. I don’t need to see them on your profile. Same goes for show’s like Grey’s Anatomy, Sex in the City and American Idol. Not acceptable.
Cartoon
If you have pictures of Doug and Rocko’s Modern Life, you’re a quality human being. But if you’re obsessing over Anime or some crappy Pokemon show, then… I don’t know what to say, other than you’re probably retarded.
Sports
Here’s my opinion on sports photos. If it’s just mid-season, say July, and you got a picture of your favorite Tampa Bay Devil Ray, get a life. However, if you’re in the heat of a playoff race, things change. Now, I may be biased, but when my Mets were playing in the 2006 playoffs, my picture changed everyday based on who was starting. I defend it because 1) it’s America’s pastime and it’s the playoffs and 2) because truly my mind was 100% on who was starting that day. School, friends, family all became distant to me.
The Alcohol Question
Listen, I think alcohol is as entertaining as the next guy, but showing off a bottle of Jim, Jack or Jose in your picture is just obnoxious. It makes me think you’re constantly saying things like, “DUDE, we’re going to do eight Jager bombs, ten tequila shots and then chug 5 beers and do 18 keg stands!” Call me sober, but these people annoy me. Alcohol is advertised enough, Budweiser doesn’t need your help. An interesting debate arises, though, when discussing the Solo cup. While some would say that it’s the same thing, I don’t take the same viewpoint. I see the Solo cup as a humble effort to show you like to be social and have a good time. Not an in-your-face display of your ROCKIN’ PARTY SKILLZ.
